Hog Wars: Attack of the Satire
by HorribleFishBoy
Summary: Sequel to Hog Wars: The Phantom Parody. What will happen to the Wizarding World when the lazy author's authority is challenged?
1. Chapter Yi

Hog Wars: Attack of the Satire

Sequel to Hog Wars: The Phantom Parody

JK Rowling OWNZ

Other stuff owned by its respective owners.

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Ron Weasley wasn't having the best day. The girl he had liked for a long time had been won over by an obnoxious painting, who was currently being tried for being Illogical by Physics, but that's another story entirely. Ron Weasley was sulking around with Harry, who had finally gotten over his angsty heroness because he saw something shiny. Unfortunately, this story really isn't about Ron Weasley. No, it's about the forgotten character: _Dennis Creevey_. That paragraph in the first Hog Wars? Foreshadowing you say? Why yes, yes it was.

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The lazy author crept though the Gryffindor Common Room, ducking behind the sofas and chairs and generally avoiding any place near the fireplace, in case someone happened to come down the stairs, which was unlikely at this time of night. Sadly, the lazy author had not yet purchased a watch, and didn't seem to realize that it was only five o'clock in the evening and all of the students were in the Common Room doing homework, except for Ginny and Hermione, who had been called to Sir Cadogan's trial as witnesses.

After quickly darting up the stairs to the boys' dormitories, she motioned for Remus Lupin, still huggable as ever, and Aragorn, who had given up hitting coconuts together and was now clicking pens, which was, if possible, more annoying.

"Come, sir knights!" cried the lazy author, who had another mood swing and forgotten that she was previously in double super secret spy mode.

"Aye, aye, captain!" replied Remus Lupin. Lupin had given up trying to keep the lazy author sane, and decided to just get high on sugar instead.

"Mumble grumble bumble shmumble!" Aragorn mumbled loudly.

The students of Gryffindor were contemplating calling Professor McGonagall. They were deeply concerned about their personal safety, both physical and mental, with these strange people, one of whom seemed to be their former professor on a severe sugar high, lurking noisily about their Common Room.

The merry band of three snuck up the stairs. The lazy author peered quickly into the seventh year boys' showers, then skipped to the third year boys' dorm.

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"I've got it!" cried the lazy author, as she held a book above her head. Printed in clear, horribly clashing purple letters on the yellow cover were the words:

_**Diary of Dennis Creevey**_

_**The Forgotten Gryffindor**_

"Shall we take a look?" asked Sugar High Lupin, who may or may not be made a superhero.

"And look we shall," responded the shoe on the floor, because it's just so much fun when shoes talk.

Now, this was not your ordinary talking shoe. You see, this talking shoe had a secret. So the shoe told the one person he knew he could trust, my grandfather's grandfather, Thomas Gates.

_Charlotte, the secret lies with.. wait, it wasn't Charlotte, it was-_

"All in good time," said the lazy author, who certainly did not want the future of her story jeopardized by the flashback of a talking shoe.

_Did they open the diary, and release the horror within?_

_Tune in next time, on-_

"Do you know how much I hate that god damn movie commercial voice?" asked the lazy author as she opened the cover of Dennis's Diary.

_Monday, September 1st_

_The Hogwarts Express_

_Can you believe school has finally started? Oh my god, I got the cutest outfit for after classes the first day, and I got a new pair of nice black robes. Oooh, you have to see my new dress robes! They are soooo cute! They're light blue with a pretty white sash, and they're made out of this soft silky fabric, I like died when I first tried them on, they were so comfortable. And they look great on me! Harry will so totally notice me now!_

"Is it just me, or does it seem like we picked up the wrong diary?" asked Aragorn, who had now found his sword hidden under the bed and was thus able to talk normally.

"Yeah, but isn't it fun when you have the deranged kid with a fetish for the hero?" asked the lazy author, and went back to reading.

_Wednesday, September 3rd_

_Charms_

_Is it just me or does Snape seem like totally hot this year? I mean, the guy could seriously use some hair care products, or maybe just some, like, shampoo, but he totally has a great bod. But his mood swings like a pendulum on crack!_

"Hey," said the lazy author, "he can't use that simile, I invented that simile!"

"We're aware," said Remus Lupin, whose sugar high had faded slightly due to his Common Sense coming off of strike by his cerebrum agreeing to give it a raise. "You're writing this conversation right now."

"Hey, you're right!" said the lazy author.

_The lazy author had a cupcake._

The lazy author grinned as she suddenly received a cupcake. Religious people would speculate that God had come down from heaven and handed her the holy cupcake, would find an obscure resemblance to some face, tell everyone it was Jesus, and sell it on eBay. But the lazy author just felt like getting on with the story.

Unfortunately, she couldn't get on with the story right now, as she had to eat her cupcake.

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_The lazy author was showered with thousands upon thousands of cupcakes… In fact, the entirety of Hogwarts Castle was made out of cupcakes!_

The lazy author heard a faint squishing sound coming from outside of the third year boys' dormitory. The cupcake batter door flew open, and Professors McGonagall, Flitwick, and Snape stormed in.

"HOW DARE YOU TURN THE WHOLE CASTLE INTO YOUR HORRIBLE CUPCAKE DOOM LAND!" cried Professor Flitwick, who had a knack for making things seem more dramatic than they really were.

"Sorry…" mumbled the lazy author, and quickly ran her white out mouse over the sentence. The Professors sighed and left as the castle returned to normal, which was bad for Draco Malfoy, who was trying to eat his bedpost.

But one cupcake remained. It wore a very evil expression in it's frosting, and began to shout things in a squeaky cupcake voice that sounded vaguely like "destroy!" and "revenge, get everyone" but it was casually flicked out of the window before the question of whether or not hyper-intelligent cupcakes bent on world domination could withstand nuclear wars, and, if so, then what the hell was in Raid?

"Let's get back to reading, shall we?" suggested Aragorn, who was petting his sword like an insane exiled king from another story would pet his weapon of choice.

_Saturday, September 6th_

_Dorm_

_Why doesn't Harry notice me? NO- FIGHT THE AUTHOR- No, Dennis, give into the good, kind author- NEVER! YOU CANNOT MAKE ME- Oh yes, Dennis, my dear, we have our ways- SHUT UP OTHER PERSONALITY- you can never silence me!- FIGHT THE AUTHOR- FIGHT THE MAN- MUST FIGHT IT- USE THE FORCE, ANNIKIN- wtf?- Yes, precious, you have let your guard down- Aw, crap- MUAHAHAHAHA!_

"Dedeedeeededee," the lazy author said in an imitation of Taryn during Science the previous afternoon as she flipped the pages.

_Friday, October 11th_

_Down by the Lake_

_I've gotten over my silly little crush on Harry, especially after that conversation I had with my brother last night, in which he made it very clear that Harry was his and I was to back off. Oh well, I'll go after his friend now, that Weasley kid._

_So, from now on,_

_I 3 Ron Weasley!_

The author was jarred from her reading of Dennis's diary by a puffin dropping from the sky, making a squealing noise very similar to that of a pig, because the lazy author didn't really know what puffins sound like, only that the word 'puffin' is fun to say.

"Sorry," shrugged Aragorn, "couldn't resist…"

The lazy author gave Aragorn the evil eye as the puffin dove out of the window, murmuring about supporting his oppressed cupcake brother.

Now, the story shall be interrupted to make way for a song the author just thought up:

_Mumble, rumble, rant and grumble_

_Utter, mutter, and whine and stutter_

_Jibber jabber, talk and chatter_

_Synonymses this way comes!_

However, the lazy author was forced to end her song here, as an all too familiar voice spoke up.

"Why, pray tell, do you think Dennis Creevey would be in love with Ron or Harry?" asked the voice.

The lazy author screamed very loudly, as well as said some certain words that would make one's mother was one's ears out with soap, which really does nothing as it only gets soap into one's inner ear and one can still remember what one heard.

"You thought you'd gotten rid of me, didn't you?" inquired the voice.

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Sorry about the incredible shortness, but that just seemed the right place to end this. I should have added this onto Hog Wars 1, but it didn't seem to fit there, so, voila, the sequel!

The puffins will play a major role later on, unless I change the story.


	2. Chapter Due

JK Rowling OWNZ, yadda yadda Yoda, blah blah blah, anything you recognize from other stories doesn't belong to me.

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Harry Potter walked the lonely road, the only road that he had ever known, and since the lazy author doesn't know where it goes, it's only Harry Potter and he walks alone.

Meanwhile, twenty-six and a half miles away…

"Lucius, we failed in recruiting the Malfoy boy," said Lord Voldemort as he stroked his evil kitty.

"Yes, my lord, I am aware," said Lucius Malfoy, who, as punishment, was cleaning out the toilets.

"So, what should we do to recruit the Malfoy boy?" asked Lord Voldemort.

Lucius Malfoy set down his plunger and stroked his chin thoughtfully. Then his eyes snapped open and he looked at Voldemort. Voldemort looked back at Lucius, who was looking at him. The two of them were looking at each other. It was then that Lucius realized he was in love with Lord Voldemort, but that is another story entirely.

"Lucius, I think I know what to do," said Lord Voldemort. Lucius smirked.

"L-" he began, but was cut off by two creatures flying through the door.

"L-Lord Volde-m-mort," panted the puffin, "We have discovered the whereabouts of th-the l-lazy author."

"Yes, my lord, and we have realized that if we harness the author's power, we can control the entire story," said the evil cupcake.

Voldemort grinned and leaned back, drumming his fingers together.

"Excellent…"

"I was going to say we get Lassie to do it," muttered Lucius Malfoy.

"I've got it!" said the puffin, and the other three villains, and Voldemort's cat, leaned in to hear what was going on.

-----

The lazy author was having a staring contest with the annoying reader. Then the annoying reader blinked.

"Aw, damnit," said the annoying reader, and disappeared.

"Now, let's get back to this diary, shall we?" asked Aragorn.

"Yes, read you must, for discover great secret you shall," said Yoda.

But just then, Snape burst into the room and dove behind the bed. He sat on the floor and rocked back and forth, holding his knees with one hand and sucking his thumb on the other.

"What's wrong?" asked Aragorn.

Snape rolled under the bed and began to sob hysterically, when Harry Potter skipped through the door, holding a large bunch of pink roses, with a hot pink arrow sticking out of his butt.

"Seviepoo, dear, I love you!" said Harry, and began to snoop around for him.

The lazy author glanced at Remus Lupin, who looked just as confused, and they looked back at Harry, who was looking in Ron's trunk.

"Did you write this?" asked Remus Lupin.

"No," replied the lazy author, and narrowed her eyes at Harry.

"Wait a second," said the annoying reader whose head appeared in the fireplace once it had gotten over the shame of losing a staring contest with the lazy author, "I thought Harry was walking the lonely road, the only road that he has ever known, and why the hell is Yoda here?"

Everyone turned to look at the lazy author, except for Snape, who was still under the bed with his eyes squeezed shut, whispering words like "it's just a nightmare" and "none of it's real" to himself.

The lazy author shrugged, and Yoda vanished.

"Yeah," said the lazy author, turning to Harry, "I thought I dumped you on that road,"

"Oh yeah, said Harry, as he set down his flowers, "funny story, really…

_**FLASHBACK**_

_Harry Potter walked the lonely road, the only road that he had ever known, and since the lazy author doesn't know where it goes, it's only Harry Potter and he walks alone._

_You would think Ron would have been with him, but for the purposes of the story, let us pretend that he was blown up in a tragic box factory accident._

_Harry Potter looked ahead, but all he could see was the road stretching on and on into darkness, since the lazy author didn't know where the road went._

_But then, something came out of the sky and cried, "Let there be light!" Then, there was still just the road, but you could see it better._

_Harry Potter looked wildly around for the magical purple typewriter, but it was nowhere._

"_Lazy author?" he called._

"_The lazy author's time is ending," said the voice who had turned on the light bulb, "I am to be your new supreme ruler. And I command, an army of cupids!"_

_Harry Potter ducked behind a giant Chinese take-out box that had been following him. The army of cupids flew past him, and he got out from behind the box._

"_What happened to the lazy author?" asked Harry._

"_The lazy author is still where she was before, having a staring contest with the annoying reader. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that now, I have become just as powerful, and with the help of my army of cupids and my loyal interns," the voice gestured to Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, the puffin, and the evil cupcake, "I shall rule the entirety of the Universe!"_

"_Okay…" said Harry, but unfortunately, the army of cupids heard him, and one fired a hot pink arrow straight into his butt. Written in clear letters were two words, "Severus Snape."_

_**END FLASHBACK**_

"So this mysterious voice is trying to usurp me…" said the lazy author. Snape reached out and pulled the hot pink arrow out of Harry's butt. The bunch of pink flowers disappeared, and Harry fell out of love with Snape.

"So, what do we do?" asked Remus Lupin.

"You know what's scary? I don't know," said the lazy author, and sat down to think.

-Jeopardy Theme Song Plays-

"Well, I think the first thing we need to do is figure out who this mysterious voice is," said Snape, who hated the lazy author dearly, but at least she didn't make Harry Potter fall in love with him.

"Oh, that won't be a problem," said the voice. The lazy author's brow furrowed. _Where had she heard that voice before?_ Suddenly it clicked, and she wheeled around and glared furiously at the voice.

"Yes, I am the voice, and I have come for revenge!" cried Lassie.

"Hold on, hold on," said the reader, "why is Lassie the voice? This story makes no sense!"

"Duh!" said Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, the puffin, the evil cupcake, the lazy author, Harry Potter, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, Aragorn, and Yoda.

The annoying reader glared at Yoda, who suddenly remembered that supposed to be in the story, he wasn't.

"So," said Lassie, "relinquish your power."

"No," said the lazy author.

"GIMME THE TYPEWRITER!"

"MAKE ME!"

"HOW?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"EXPELLIARMUS!"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"You don't have wands," said Snape.

"Oh yeah," said the lazy author and Lassie, and went back to glaring at each other. Suddenly, the lazy author had an idea.

_Lassie died._

She smirked and looked back up, but Lassie was still there!

"It's not going to be _that _easy to get rid of me. Did you really think I'd disappear just because you typed it?" sneered Lassie.

"Um, yeah?" replied the lazy author.

"Makes sense," said Lassie, "but no, because I have

-drumroll-

A Magical Yellow Pencil!"

"Oh yeah? Well I've got a Magical White-Out Mouse!" said the lazy author, and stuck out her tongue.

"And I've got a MagicRub!"

"Touché…"

"This means war!" said the puffin.

"So it does," said Aragorn, as he glared at Lassie.

"I call the Malfoy boy!" said Voldemort.

"I call Ginny!" said Remus Lupin.

Draco and Ginny appeared, each incredibly confused as to how they got there in the first place.

"WTF?" they chorused.

"We're leaving," said Lassie, and he, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, the puffin, and the evil cupcake disappeared.

"Fine," said the lazy author, and she, Remus Lupin, Aragorn, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, and Severus Snape had a slumber party.

_To be continued…_

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All the chapters turn out too short. (

**Reviews from Hog Warses 1 & 2:**

**claudiastar- **You receive the most reviews award. Yay! I'll put in more musical numbers when they fit, glad you like them!

**MuggleBuddy**- I think I'll put in a sea monkey with rabies. Thanks for the review!

**shut-up-voices-in-my-head**- I love the floating bean bag chair! They'll get one at Ikea later in the story. The Harry/Snape/Ron thing was really confusing, but I kept the general idea thing in this story. Thanks for reviewing!


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